How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
