I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
zippers are such a cool invention
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
