I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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