But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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