I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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