It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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