bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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