Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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