either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
