My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
