When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
