I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
