They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
