I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
