i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
