My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Too much gin, very little bucket
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
