textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
