How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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