I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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