I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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