Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
