Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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