i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
