I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
