Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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