can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
