The best revenge is premature balding
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
