I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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