No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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