i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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