I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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