capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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