who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
