he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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