My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
