He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The feeling are messing with the penis
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
