so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
