someone threw a dead crab at me
Are we in a gay sports bar?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
