just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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