I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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