My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
