apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
