I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Randomize