in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
