she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
