What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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