There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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