Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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