My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
