hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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