my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
NoShamevember. You game?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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