I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
