dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
