i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
