I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
