glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
no, he came in my armpit
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Acid is not a monday night drug
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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