Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
