Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
