Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
