Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
