was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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