I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Let's paint friendship bongs
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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