please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
