i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
